Thursday, January 31, 2008

What day is it?

Ok, so a couple of days have now gone by. I think. I don't know. I've been too traumatized and worried over Lucian sleeping in his own room.

Wait, did I say sleeping. Oh, I meant falling asleep long enough for me to leave the room and get comfortable and then have to listen to him have a meltdown when he realizes he's in his own room. I didn't really mean sleeping. I don't really know what sleeping really is anymore. I give up. I know what becoming unconscious for a couple of hours is. Like this morning, we survived another night of the ... he's crying .... wait, lets see if he'll stop and fall back to sleep ... ok, I think he fell asleep. Crap. No. He's having a conniption. I'll go rescue him. In a couple of minutes. Ok, YOU go rescue him and bring him to bed with us.

Well, at least there is one little difference though. He isn't demanding to use me as a human pacifier for the last 2 nights and I've resisted the urge to plug him on to make him quiet. He has been satisfied with just being free from the cage, or um, crib and happy to just snuggle up with us. So that, has been one small improvement. I get to be unconscious for a little longer at one time. Yay for me. And Dadda can almost get a whole nights worth of sleep in too, except for his own stress induced nightmares.

So, I have a little confession to make. I secretly like it when I get to go into his room to rescue him because he is extra cuddly to me now. He actually wants me to hold him and snuggle him and pick him up. Why is it that when he has a major meltdown, the kind with the runny nose and shakes, that I have to pee all of the sudden and I try taking him into the bathroom with me and set him down on the floor but that's not good enough. So then I have to try and hold him while I go, you know....sorry TMI, I know...too bad....parents will empathize. So, I have to ask for forgiveness because I have to put him down because if I don't go pee before, then I'll be stuck rocking him and consoling him with a full bladder and dreading every moment.

Sigh. And, if you must know, it is approaching 3 am and I can't sleep because he keeps waking every other hour crying. I know he isn't feeling well and has a runny nose so that might be part of the problem. So, I can't be totally mean and let him cry it out when he's sick. I just don't feel right about it. It makes me so sad when he cries so hard that he gets all worked up and shivers. Then I feel rotten.

So, I thought perhaps the crib was the problem. Maybe he just doesn't want to sleep in his crib. He knows how to climb in and out of the queen sized bed that is also in his room so I was thinking maybe I'd let him sleep in the big boy bed with his nursing pillow and maybe that would help. He seems to like it so far for the past few hours. I left the door open and walked around and made some noise to see if he would climb out of bed and come out after me, but he didn't. I tried different settings on the noise machine too. I like the crickets chirping. I can hear them on the baby monitor in our room so it's like having 2 sound machines for the price of one — which was free thanks to the King of the Garage Sale, a.k.a. Opa D.

Now, I'm sitting here debating on what to do. I put a bigger pillow on the side of him while he's sleeping and I have him laying closer to the wall because I'm not sure how much he'll roll around and if he'll fall off the bed and onto the floor or not. The bed is not super high off the ground but I just don't know, so I tried to put up some type of barrier. But, I'm not sure what to do now because I don't want to close his door for fear he will wake in the middle of the night or a few hours from now and tear his room up out off frustration. I don't have his room baby proofed enough to the point that he should be in there completely alone and unsupervised. He could take his diaper changing table apart and have diapers and baby wipes everywhere if I did leave him in there unsupervised. Not harmful, but not a fun clean up either. So, now I'm paranoid. Do I go in there and try moving him to his crib where I know he'll be safer or do I just throw in the towel, go sleep in there on the bed with him or bring him back to our room.

Ah decisions decisions. I think he may be asleep for sure but I just don't know how long it will last.

Well, I better go peek in on him and see and try to get some shuteye myself whatever it takes. We got some runnin around to do in a few hours.

Joy.

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