Monday, November 17, 2008

The Scarlet Blog

Don't read this. Really. I swear a lot and offend people. Mostly myself. Way too much scrolling involved. You don't have time to read this, trust me. Move on. You'll never forgive me if you don't.

Dear Blog,
I like lemonade. Do you like lemonade? I was hoping that by posting about the whole Motrin ad thing that I might be able to take something negative and turn it in to something positive. Oh silly me. Silly mommy blogger. What were you thinking? The whole thing has gotten so out of hand now and it's got me so pissed off at the Internet that I don't even have twitter open. Yes. It's that bad right now.

The whole "thing" whatever the hell this thing is — it's like a rash or something and I'm all worked up over it. I am so guilty when it comes to rubbernecking on the web. I subjected myself to reading all of the post shit-slinging and allowed myself to get worked up about it. I seriously thought about deleting my entire blog over some hurtful, hateful things people have said. Seriously. I am so close right now because some of the things were said by people I respect and would consider a friend. Maybe they are right and that's what bugs me.

The main reason is because I am so sick and tired of the online drama and my inability to not take part in it at times. Being snarky is a huge weakness of mine. I don't have a life, so I hang out online where I feel social and can commiserate with others. It usually makes me feel good. It usually makes me feel fulfilled. Until lately.

That's just one reason. Another is that if I hear or read more person say "must have a lot of time on her hands or nothing better to do than blog or tweet about it" or "wasting her time while there are more important things to do or talk about" — let's just say, if you come back here and get a 404 error or the page is empty, you'll know what happened.

They say if the shoe fits, buy another pair. Oh wait. No, sorry, that's what my mother says. She has a lot of shoes.

I don't know why I'm taking all of this shit so personally, but I am and I have to somehow come to terms with it and hope that I can get past it soon. Maybe I should go scrub my toilets. Maybe that would make me feel better. More like a true woman. Maybe washing the dishes would make me a more productive person in society and help to fulfil my obligation on this earth better than writing a blog, designing a website, trying to keep up in technology trends, because, you know vacuuming my carpet right now will keep me employable in this hell hole of an economy, won't it? When has learning anything done anyone, especially women, any good?

I don't know why I feel so guilty about posting on it. I still feel the same about most of what I wrote, but yet I've considered deleting it all. I thought I was trying to be fair and balanced. I thought I was trying to help a cause. I thought I was being passionate about supporting something I believed in when it came to babywearing and pointing out that dads do it too. I thought I was helping others and being supportive — of even those with whom I disagree.

All this because someone asked me to check out a blog post and comment on it and I bit. I bit hard because I was pissed that an ad was mocking the practice of babywearing. I bit for the same reasons outlined by a response from Babywearing International. It all started with one comment on another blog that, at the time, I was passionate about. At the time, I was thinking, it's one little ad on one company website. It's not like it was a TV commercial being aired at prime time. The damage was all the same though and moms all across the world started using online communications to comment back. It spread like wildfire, just like the fires close to LA just one night prior.

I watched it unfold and was immediately addicted to it like a drama on TV. What will happen next? Who will pick up on it? Will anyone "internet famous" comment on it? All of the sudden I felt like I was part of a community taking action to send a message to defend attachment parenting practices.

What did I get out of it? Well, the ad did get pulled and that made me feel satisfied and everyone could have left it alone then. That didn't happen. All of the sudden the "mommy blogger" and "women blogging" community turned inward on istself. The ad, even though it got pulled, ended up on YouTube where it could very well live permanently. Is anyone talking about copyright infringement in the thread? No, instead they are all too busy bashing one another and turning the whole thing on its side.

So now what exactly did we accomplish again? Oh yeah, traffic to our own blogs and a negative social stigma.
Thanks but no thanks. Now I feel completely unsupported. Ironic, isn't it?

I don't question what I wrote quite as much as why I even write at all now.

I mean, there are more important things in life than a blog according to so many new "authorities" on the web who obviously know way more than me. Like Darfur and the economy and, oh yeah, I could be cleaning my house to make it spotless every effing second of every effing day during nap time or whenever my son is having his play time.

Wanna play guess who's blog or post I just read?

I write a blog that talks about my personal experiences of being a a stay at home mom who is trying to raise a healthy, loving, productive member of society in her child, while trying to learn more about managing a tiny consulting business and God-forbid I should use my brain instead sit on my fat ass and eat bon bons all day long. And for that I guess I'm just one of those stupid, bitchy, dramatic mommy bloggers who has too damn much time on her hands and wastes time bitching about unimportant things in life. Maybe I should go hump a tree after I plant a new one.

Never mind the fact that I struggle with constant depression and anxiety and that writing is a form of therapy for me. Never mind the fact that it will be three years since the last time I smoked a cigarette and that spending time online keeps me from smoking or hanging out at a bar. Never mind that I'm trying to be a better person by not swearing on my blog, by trying to rise above it all. Well, shit. Not tonight anymore. I'm pissed and in the mood to just be honest with myself right now.

I'll probably get chicken shit in a day or two and delete this all anyhow but right now it feels good to pound on the keys instead of my lungs and liver.

Never mind the fact that I work hard for my family managing the house, finances and communications and everything else that being M-O-M means. Does it ever occur to some of these assholes that documenting personal journeys in life IS important and takes time but is a worthy investment?

Yes. It IS worth losing sleep over. I'll sleep when I die and by then it will be too damn late to write.

Some people are just miserable pricks and don't deserve their own life scrapbook. (Especially people who have a year for their handle. I wish he'd go back to living in that time and leave the rest of us the hell alone.) I for one, think my child, my family and my interests are important enough to write about and share with others who want to connect. It's not like I live in the middle of the effing desert or anything almost completely isolated from friends and family most of the time. Oh wait. Oops. It is, sorry almost forgot.

Maybe I should just take some antidepressants and go mop the kitchen floor and shut the eff up. (No offense to people who are on antidepressants. I'm happy for you, sincerely I am. But I don't want to do it right now - too chickenshit. Maybe not until I'm done writing this post.)

All of the sudden the term "mommy blogger" is a dirty word.
Just paint a big ol' red letter M on me now.

It's the new whore of the Internets. There are moms who blog — who openly talk about parenting and their kids in one form or another on their blog or vlog — that don't want to be labeled as such and fiercely defend themselves as not wanting to be associated with the term. That's been going on for some time and now I see why. I have recently seen some nasty fur flying, cat scratching and flinging of poo at play dates. It is not becoming and now my biggest fear is that I may have contributed to some of it in some way.

I'd like to buy a vowel now, Pat.

If there is one thing I have learned from this experience, it's that the bandwagon is not an air-ride equipped with cruise control.

I'm not sure how long this post will survive the ride since I'm not wearing my seat belt right now. It's a crash test dummy for the time being.

Time for some Tylenol PM which is as close to taking antidepressants as I'm getting just yet.

P.S.
It's probably a good idea to avoid posts with the tags listed below. You never know what you're going to get on that filter.

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