February 8, 2007

The SAHM Adventure begins!

Well, today is day day 2 of my "stay at home mom" adventure. I have to admit, I am really really happy about it. I am truthfully scared sh**less about the financial hit we're going to take but I'm trying really hard to see all the positive above that really really big negative factor of the decision.

Nate, Lucian and I went for a walk in the park today...for real...not a figure of speech...we literally just put on our sneaks, put the baby in the stroller and all we took was the camera. We left our cell phones at home-on purpose! We didn't even take the diaper bag with us!!! Which, I regretted because even though it was in the upper 70s, after walking for what seemed like a mile to get to the park, my nose was running and so was Lucian's and I wished that I had the kleenex from the diaper bag handy. But, ya know what...who cares...a little bit of boogers never hurt nobody. LOL

I can't believe I just wrote that for everyone to see. Have I lost my freekin mind already? It's 11:04 pm and I am writing a blog on my myspace page....why?
BECAUSE I CAN.....darn it! and it feels good. Lucian is sleeping peacefully and so is hubby and we've all had a wonderful day. I got some housework done...I actually felt like a wife and mom today so I'm rewarding myself with some "me" time for once.

Since before I gave birth to Lucian and I have wanted to get myself to write some type of a diary and I kept putting it off. Now there are memories and thoughts I would have loved to have shared with Lucian later in life that have slipped me by.

It's really a toss up. Life is short and that's the bottom line. One day we're here and the next we could be gone and what will become of our legacy? Life is too short to write blogs. I should be spending the time I would spend writing a blog living it...not writing about what and how I would like to live. Life is too short to NOT write blogs. If you don't take the time to stop and reflect once in a while....where does that get you in the long run?

I've been thinking about the word "disposable" for a long time now. How do I make myself feel less "disposable" has been a goal of mine. I've been in and out of jobs and I've been uprooted so many times over the past decade it seems that it feels like so much in life is never permanent or meant to last anymore. So much of my life and parts of me have been "disposed of" and it makes me sad. Perhaps it's an after effect of giving birth. You gain so much in the process and so much of it is literally thrown away in a garbage bag or flushed down a toilet or drain. I was really disappointed when I couldn't find a place in time to donate my placenta. We could never afford to bank the cord blood like I would have liked to but I would have really liked to have had the peace of mind knowing that such a vital part of my body that would normally be thrown away, could have been donated and put to good use. In all the difficulties of my pregnancy, I ended up waiting too close to delivery to find a place to donate and so it was too late when the time came. I feel ill thinking that my placenta was just thrown in the trash when it could have been used for something good instead.

That is just one example of a part of me that I feel sad that was disposed of. Another part of me that I feel has been disposed of is my skills and talents. Long story and probably best saved for another blog but this last job I had showed me just how insensitive people can be and how bad decisions affect people in such a negative way.

Well, I have to limit myself as to how long I'm going to spend on blogging for now so I will have to continue this thought at some other time.


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