March 5, 2007

stream of consciousness from a mother at 3 am

I was reading someone else's blog tonight and came across this entry. She copied it from someone else's blog so unfortunately I don't know the source, sorry. But, I had to copy it as well because it really rings true for me. See the section "Before I Was a Mom" pasted below.

Anyhow, it's going on 3 am and I'm up again messing around on the computer, playing with my myspace page filling in the lonely void I experience when the boys go to bed. Someday I'll get some real friends to hang out with outside of the house I guess. I checked into some mommy n me groups on the net this weekend. One looks promising but there is a registration fee and that's not too cool right now. I'm starting to feel the financial pinch when I look at my iCal and see all the bills that are coming due and not knowing how we're going to pay them.

Many things weigh on my mind right now. Health insurance is one of them. My student loan is another. I have to call the company and defer it AGAIN. Not looking forward to that. It always makes me feel like such a loser and makes me regret getting my bachelor's degree. It makes me dislike Bush even more than I already do and I can't wait till a new President comes in office and hopefully someone who will make things better for struggling families.

I guess I'm kinda depressed and bitter thinking about money. So, I guess I'm getting it off my chest here. It's hard to talk to Nate about it. He's worried enough about it so I don't need to add my worries to his. I'm always the positive one when it comes to money and always his cheerleader but really inside, sometimes I keep looking for things to sacrifice so we'd have more money to pay bills.

Sometimes, I'm afraid to get out of the house and go drive anywhere because I fear getting into an accident without any health insurance to pay for hospital costs. I will be looking into some options this week. That's my goal. A friend of mine gave me a good tip about just getting comprehensive so I'll look into that. Last I checked, the COBRA plan is close to 400 bucks and I just don't see how we'd afford that. It's just not possible right now. Even if I got rid of the internet service and hocked my beloved computer (which is the only thing that keeps me sane) we still couldn't afford to pay all the bills.

I'm really looking into getting some part time work to bring in some more money. I have a couple of positive leads so far, but I'm taking the advice of older wiser ones and I'm not rushing into anything heavy just yet.

It just sucks no matter how you slice it. All I can say is, I guess they can come and take away my things, but they can't come and take away the joy I find when I watch my son play with a carrot.

Lucian is so fascinating. Every single day...I mean, really, not a day goes by that I don't look at him and say "I can't believe we made that! or "I can't believe I grew him inside my body!"

I hope I never stop feeling this sense of overwhelming wonder. I do wonder sometimes when parents of older children look at they still think the same thing later in life?

Today, the same as many days, I was tickling him and kissing his belly and mostly kissing his belly button. I say to him that that's the place where we used to be connected. I wonder what I'll say to him when he's old enough to question what that means.

I wonder what will happen when he is 16 and running around in his swimming trunks at the pool. Will I still look at that belly button and think to myself...that's where we used to be connected? That's where we used to breathe the same air and eat the same food.

There must be something to it later in life. I guess that's why my mother and my mother in law stare at their grandson every chance they get. I wonder what goes through their minds at times. It must be wild to be at the top of the chain looking down and thinking to themselves "I made the person that made this little person."

Having a C-section was rough for me because I didn't get to hold him and touch him right away. I don't think I had control over my muscles for quite some time after his birth and I remember I was very nauseous from the anesthesia, but by the time I got to see him and kiss his face for the 1st time, everyone else had already gotten a chance to hold him and bond with him and the cord was already cut and knotted.

When they first pulled him out of me and gave him to Nate, he was so bundled up that all I remember seeing was his little nose peeking out of that blanket. It didn't really feel real or sink in because I felt so helpless while I was stretched out on the OR table with my guts hanging out. I couldn't move and barely react to what happened. It was all so surreal. Nate was in scrubs from head to toe so he didn't look like himself. I felt so alone and abandoned.

By the time I got to see the baby again, Nate had to hold him up to me again all bundled up and I still couldn't move much and all I could do was reach out with my neck as much as possible and kiss his cheeks and let him know I was there.

I think it was several days...perhaps even weeks before I even got to see his entire body naked for the first time. So, I never really got to see the umbilical cord except for in pictures. It makes me sad because I really would have liked to have seen what it looked like.

There were so many things I wanted to do and see and experience while I was carrying Lucian. The C-section just robbed me of so many experiences. I didn't even get to hold him and change his diaper right away. I remember thinking while I was still pregnant that I couldn't wait to give birth to him and inspect every last inch of him. I wanted to kiss each and every toe and finger. I wanted to look real close at him and try to make out his tiny little fingerprints. I really didn't think that those desires were unrealistic expectations to have. You see it on tv all the time. I guess that's my fault for watching those shows.

It just didn't happen like that and yes, I don't care what anyone says, I am bitter and I will be for a long time.


I think that those feelings and having missed out on so much that others take for granted is the reason why I enjoy my son so much more these days than perhaps some people might. It's not to say that other mothers don't enjoy their children, but when you work full time, as I have experienced, you just don't have time to pay attention to minute details. When I was working, it was a struggle just to get the basics taken care of before having to get ready to do it all over again. Before, all I wanted to do was get him bathed and put to bed so I could get to bed to get enough sleep so I wouldn't wreck us in the car on the way to work. NOW, I can make time to take a bath WITH him and teach him how to splash water and watch the suds dissolve on his skin. I have time to watch him play with his belly button and wonder what it is.

I love to get on the floor with him, down at his level, and play with him..stacking his blocks only to watch him knock them all over. I love to stare into his eyes when he's nursing and wonder what he's thinking.

I love to watch him pick up a carrot and investigate it. Watching him reminds me of all the things I have to be grateful for that I take for granted like the ability to pick up a carrot and put it into the other hand. There are people, many, who either do not have the hands or the ability to do that. There are many people who may have the ability to pick up a carrot, but who don't even have food let alone carrots to play with before eating it. Then, there are also so many children who may have the carrots and the ability, but they don't have the parent who will sit there and watch them amazed at their simple accomplishments.

I am sad about some things, but I am happy more than I am sad so that's a good thing.

Here is the blog I copied that prompted my stream of consciousness this evening:

Before I was a Mom

Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night. Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy. Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom

-- source unknown at the time of this posting

In the same blog was a book that was recommended:
"Let Me Hold You Longer" by Karen Kingsbury
The blogger posted an excerpt and, I agree with her, I'm not sure if I could handle the whole book either.

"........Long ago you came to me, a miracle of firsts; First smiles and teeth and baby steps, a sunbeam on the burst. But one day you will move away and leave to me your past, And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts ...
The last time that I held a bottle to your baby lips, The last time that I lifted you and held you on my hip.

The last night when you woke up crying, needing to be walked. When last you crawled up with your blanket, wanting to be rocked.

The last time when you ran to me, still small enough to hold. The last time that you said you'd marry me when you grew old. Precious, simple moments and bright flashes from your past- Would I have held on longer if I'd known they were your last?

One last adventure to the park, your final midday nap, The last time when you wore your favorite faded baseball cap.
I never said good-bye to all your yesterdays long passed. So what about tomorrow- will I recognize your lasts?

The last time that you talk to me about your hopes and dreams. The last time that you wear a jersey for your high school team.

I've watched you grow and barely noticed seasons as the pass. If I could freeze the hands of time, I'd hold on to your lasts.
For come some bright fall morning, you'll be going far away. College life will beckon in a brilliant sort of way. One last hug, one last good-bye, one quick and hurried kiss. One last time to understand just how much you'll be missed. I'll watch you leave and think how fast our time together passed. ........"

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