Finally! The scale has budged! Let's get the ugly part over with though, shall we? I now weigh 191 lbs. That's down a couple of lbs. from the last post so that's a good thing. I still don't have the motivation to "exercise" like I was but I have been controlling my eating habits a little more than last time. I know what I need to do to lose weight but it's so frustrating that I just don't have the will-power to actually hunker down and just do it and stick to it. I know that if I got more sleep, I would lose weight. I know that if I ate more protein and fiber I would lose weight. I know if I cut out the sugar, I would lose weight. I know, I know, I friggin know so why don't I do it?
“You know more than you think you know, just as you know less than you want to know." — Oscar WildeIs food really that addicting? I know it's a dumb question and I'm smart enough to know the answer. I know it's all about lifestyle change. I hate lifestyle changes just as much as the next person. I wish I could embrace it better. I've changed my life so much in the past decade that it just kind of makes me feel exhausted to change yet one more thing. Can't I just be good enough as I am? No, because the way I am is not good. I'm unhealthy. I know I can be improved. I've just lost track of what version this is. Melissa 30 point 3 build 030208? It's like I keep reinventing myself. Maybe that's why I'm so friggin tired all the time. It's like my old struggle to quit smoking years ago. Well, at least I can actually type that. Wow. I don't think I ever did that before. I'm feeling brave now so I'll just go with it.
Smoke and Mirrors
I used to smoke. I used to smoke a lot. I smoked for almost 15 years. I struggled with that addiction for so long and tried to quit several times. I wasn't just a casual smoker either although I was a bit of a closet smoker. There are many people who know me that probably never knew I smoked or would be shocked to find out about it. Oops, oh well. Get over it. I'm trying to.
“I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then" — Lewis CarrollIt was something I was never proud of and tried my best to hide it as much as I could. I smoked menthol lights. There was even a time when I smoked regular old New Ports. Yuck. Well, thank God for interventions like getting pregnant. I hate to put it that way, but it's the truth. I so thought I was going to be one of those people who prepares for having a baby by losing weight and getting in shape and and changing for the better. But, it just wasn't me. After watching so many of my close friends struggle to conceive, I didn't want to focus so much on getting pregnant to the point of driving myself nuts with trying to conceive. I thought it was best to just go about life as normal and just assume that it wouldn't happen for a while. Well, I guess that plan worked because we got pregnant right away.
I absolutely hate to admit this, but I smoked for the first couple of weeks before I knew I was pregnant or sure. I was in denial for the longest time. Then when I did know, I still smoked very lightly and hated myself for it every day over a couple of weeks until I quit for good. I wish I could have just quit cold turkey, but I think the way I did do it was maybe better for the baby even though it all just sounds wrong. I basically cut down and weaned myself off of it gradually. I begged the OB for a prescription for one of those patch programs but she said that was worse for the baby than actually smoking. That blew my mind. They also said that while they strongly advised quitting was the best thing that going cold turkey might not be the best thing for me. I thought that was shocking advice as well, but it did make sense to me. I was afraid that if I just up and quit cold turkey that I might not stay quit. I had to do it for me, not just for the baby. So, I gradually cut down and basically went through a process until finally, I just said enough, I've done this for far too long, I had my fill, this is the last time and it's the first day of the rest of my life as a non-smoker. I haven't picked one up since.
It's a wonder my child is so healthy. I felt so guilty and worried about it in the beginning thinking I had damaged him. I'm just really thankful I had the sense to quit when I did and it was the best thing I ever did. Now my biggest fear is ever getting hooked on it again. I have serious doubts I would though because I'm so repulsed by it now. Some of my husband's family members smoke and if I even get a whiff of it, I try to grab Lucian and get him as far away from it as possible. I know I can't protect him from every danger out there, but right now, I just don't even like it that he sees someone smoking. I'm not sure what's the best way to deal with this, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.
There are times when it's a little sketchy though. It's one of the reasons why I rarely drink anymore. I used to smoke and drink casually with my husband and family and there are times when I really miss it. When I met my husband and got married, I had already toned it down a lot from before. Beer, wine and cigarettes just went so good together for me way back when. Back when I was putting myself through college and partying with bikers on the weekends. I used to ride motorcycles too. I actually took a course, passed and got my motorcycle license. (I passed it with colors if you count the black and blues from dropping the bike a couple of times! Tip, don't put your keys in your pocket and then land on that side.) I even had a 750 Virago with a purple gas tank that my ex fixed up for me. I think I drove it 2 or 3 times. It was too much bike for me though. I laid it down in a gravel parking lot once and that wasn't fun so I decided not to pursue being the driver and stuck to being the passenger. Then that ended when my ex totaled the bike on his way to work. That was also the beginning of the end of that relationship too, so it was all for the best.
Quitting smoking also plays a part in my struggle to get out and be social. I have no problem wanting to go on play dates – that's safe, but going out with some girlfriends for a drink is another story. I'm afraid of going to bars because I'm afraid I'll loosen up too much and make poor decisions like smoking so I just avoid it right now. It's been over 2 years since I quit smoking, but I still don't think I'm ready to be around alcohol and smokers at a public bar. It's probably just better that way. I'll stick to my computer habit, thankyouverymuch.
Time May Change Me, But I Can't Trace Time
Anyhow, I did manage to get a little more shuteye here and there, just a tiny bit. Alright, maybe I didn't, but I think about sleeping a lot more now. Lucian is starting to sleep a little more solid now that he's in his own room. There are still a couple of nights where he is restless and I know as soon as I try to nod off, he'll be awake and won't go back to sleep. So, part of my sleeping problem is still that I anticipate him waking as I want to go to sleep.
I think I've also discovered why I have so much energy at night instead of during the day. Of course, duh, because when the boys go to sleep, that is the only time of the day when I can work without distraction! I can actually get some house cleaning done, fit in some freelancing, blogging and other "me time" activities that I just can not do when Dr. Destructo (Lucian) is awake and on the loose. I get to feeling trapped in my own home sometimes because I have to stop what I'm trying to do either for myself or the house or the hubby and focus on the child. I know I should be grateful and this time will not last, but sometimes it's just a real challenge because I have to separate myself from things I want to do for me and for us and put it off for another time. I've been struggling with time management lately. I just admire other people who can really pull it off. I guess I just have to stop being so hard on myself and just realize that Rome was not built in a day in just let things go a little more.
I have also kept up with my water intake and this past week I've really tried hard to ramp up on protein and fiber. It seems to have worked so I hope I can keep riding this positive reinforcement. I'm thinking that maybe instead of beating myself up so much about not exercising, maybe what I need to do it try to lose a couple more pounds just with diet control and then maybe that will enable me to get more motivated to exercise more. I'm staying pretty active as much as I can. I've done a few house calls and work at the clinic. We've had some running around to do this past week and it involved getting up and out of the house crazy early, so that has helped out a lot too.
As for food, having deli meat and hard boiled eggs at the ready to snack on is helping too I think. My biggest weakness is the carbs. I'm part Italian, so I was raised on carbs. We had pasta every Sunday and lots of bread so I'm just so programmed to want to eat that way all the time. It is a real struggle for me to resist carbs when I want to snack. So, I've been trying to eat more meat in the process. It's not easy since I'm really not a big meat eater. I'm not a vegetarian, but I could live without red meat if I had to. Although I do love roast beef. I also need to concentrate on eating more frequently. I go too far in between without eating and I'm sure that is not good for my metabolism.
I'm also trying to be much more conscientious about the kind of food we keep in the home. This is a little difficult because Hubby likes to spoil us with his cooking and some of it can involve some very rich foods that might taste really really great, but they just aren't good for our waistlines. Since he does most of the cooking (and the grocery shopping), this is going to be a challenge. He likes to indulge in things and enables my bad habits without realizing it. (Hubby, are you reading this? I l love you, but you spoil me rotten sometimes!) Just last week, I resisted the urge to get tater tots like we normally do. I replaced them with veggies in one meal I cooked. Hubby wasn't too happy about it. I don't know if I'm cut out for this tough love thing. I think I'm going to suck at it. We'll see.
I said so. There. hmmmmm
Booger Patrol is Slacking Off
I even finally managed to take Lucian to our first 'play date!' That was pretty cool. I met another Mom from Myspace, of all places, and we finally got to calling each other and I went to her house for the first time. We've been exchanging letters and notes since last year, but I just haven't gotten motivated to call her and finally she called me and we chatted for a while. Then I was out running errands and decided to call her and see if she wanted to get together. She invited us to her place. It was cool, she's very easy going and her kids are adorable. Her house is not immaculate, so that made me relax about my house not being so perfect either. I now feel more comfortable and might invite her and her kids out to my place soon. The only problem is I don't have any yard toys yet.
The other issue I have is with Lucian's demeanor. My child is sooo mellow compared to other kids. And, I happen to LIKE IT THAT WAY! This new friend's kids are really energetic and I'm not yet sure how to act around them. Lucian played with them just fine. He wasn't shy at all. I just fear that he will start to get more and more aggressive as I start introducing him to playing with more and more kids. I'll start wondering where he learned how to hit or pinch or bite. Not looking forward to that at all.
There is also the germ factor that I'm not looking forward to. Every kid has a runny nose or crusty boogers it seems. Now that he's older and I can't get him to sit still for the Booger Police like I used to, he's got crusty boogers too. Lovely. My kid is now a snot-nosed brat. I wish it weren't true, but those boogers, they just seem to find their way of creeping out and hanging on. Since he's not as attached to my body as he used to be, the boogers seem to win more and more.
Why oh why has someone not invented a giant hamster ball for toddlers? Why? Is it really that hard? I mean, there could be a little door to put food in there and maybe mount a sippy cup in there. C'mon? What's the hold up here people? Look! They make one for big people!
Well, as usual, I am rambling. I know I had so many other things I wanted to post about, but those thoughts have also gone somewhere to die in my brain only to swim around later when I'm trying to fall asleep.
I know I want to blog more about technology and some of the projects I'm working on, but I'm just not ready post without doing a little more research first. I suppose I will just try to dream about it for the time being and hope to get the focus and motivation I need to post it sooner than later. Maybe I need to get me one of those giant hamster balls to run around in!
I think I'll end here with one more quote I really like. It kind of says it all to me without being and excuse to slack off either. It helps me to forgive myself when I'm just trying to do the right thing.
“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." – Friedrich Nietzsche