June 14, 2009

Week 19 - Thoughts

Couldn't take it any more. Bit all my nails off. Now I can type even faster! I'm sure they'll grow back with the pregnancy hormones.

I'm a little nostalgic thinking about how nice it would have been to be expecting a little girl so I could keep fantasizing about doing cute little girly things like painting our toenails together and teaching her how to put on makeup. I don't like that I feel that way, but I'm just being honest. I have mixed emotions I suppose. I also suppose it's all completely normal so while I feel a tad bit guity for having these feelings, I don't necessarily feel it's wrong.

I'm still very happy we're having another little boy and I still see more benefits to having a boy over a girl right now. I'm already in love with him and now I just can't wait to meet him and kiss his little toes. I just can't wait to bond with him.

I'm mostly just nervous about how it will all affect my relationship with Lucian and how he will deal with another little boy to share his room, toys, clothes, and especially, HIS parents. I was thinking a relationship with a little girl would be so different that Lucian wouldn't feel like he was being traded for another little boy. I really worry about how Lucian is going to deal with all of this. I expect he'll be like any other normal little kid and be insanely jealous and feel like he's being replaced. I'm really glad we waited until he was a little older to have another. I think I'd be even more worried if he were not almost 3.

I'm the oldest of 4 and I'm very sensative to what Lucian is about to experience and I'm going to try my best to do whatever I can to make him feel special and not like he's being replaced. I've always told him that he is the little boy of my dreams and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I can't help feeling how that statement might change now that I'm having another little dream come true – another child that's also a little boy of my dreams. Lucian already made my dreams of having a son come true and to be honest, I've always just pictured myself with one of each – a boy and a girl, that's it. I suppose those are like princess fairy tales when you think of it because it's impossible to know what you'll really end up with when you try for the second to complete your little perfect snapshot of how you imagine your life to be.

I guess that's part of growing up and being an adult — realizing the difference between dreams, goals, aspirations and unrealistic fantasies.

Yesterday I got into a nesting frenzy and it's still continuing today. I've been chipping away at this blog post in between trips to what I'm now calling "The Boys' Room" to put things away or reorganize little things here and there. It's like a bird who flies around picking up little pieces of straw and bits little by little each time to build the perfect nest. I love tweaking everything. It just makes me happy.

We just got done inventorying all of the children's books we have and I can not believe just how many we've accumulated for Lucian over the past three years! We have a really nice book case built into the wall in our living area so we just reorganized it so that all books for children 17 and under are out there and all "adult" books like how-to, reference and novels are now in our bedroom along with photo albums. I really like the way it looks now and how easily accessible it is to Lucian and someday, his baby brother. We put all of the little board books on the very bottom and then they go up in age appropriateness towards the top.

Before that, I just had Nate pull down 2 storage totes containing all the baby and maternity clothing and supplies. I've been in denial about whether I'm showing now or not and if it's time to start wearing maternity clothing. I'm really confused because I have not yet gained any weight but at 19 weeks now, regular clothing is really starting to become uncomfortable. I keep pushing my elastic band below my belly and my shirts are not covering everything right now, so I suppose it's time. I guess I'll start taking belly pictures soon too but I feel odd about that because I don't feel like I LOOK pregnant. I feel like I just look fat. When I was pregnant with Lucian, I don't think I started showing till around 20 weeks. Even at full term, my belly was never completely round. It was a very odd shape. I'm not complaining because I only gained 27 pounds that time while other friends and family members had gained 50 or more.

I just got finished cleaning and reorganizing The Boys' Room and I'm really happy with the way it looks now. I'd still like to see some shelving on the one wall for some knickknacks. I'm not very fond of knickknacks personally, but we do have several pieces that people have given us over the years that hold sentimental value. There are also some photos I need to frame and hang. It's one of those things that will never be finished, but for now I really enjoy just sitting in the rocking chair while hanging out with Lucian to watch him play his little computer games or read books and dream about the time when there will be two little boys sharing that space together. I look over at the crib and try to picture what life will be like with another little one in there. It will be a while before we actually use the crib because I prefer to have baby sleep in the bassinet in our room for the first six months or so. Lucian slept in a crib in our bedroom for over a year, but partly because my father in law lived with us temporarily while he and mom were looking a new house to move here to Tucson.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts right now - what I'm feeling, what projects I'm working on at the moment.

Funny story I wanted to remember
Last night when I tucked Lucian into bed, I was still moving little things around. Nate had printed out a family photo of us and made a copy for Lucian so I put it up on the shelf with his stuffed animals where he could always look at it. After I put it on the shelf and bent down to give him a kiss and a hug, he said, "That's our family." I said, "Yes! That's right! That's our family." Then I kissed him and hugged him and he whispered, "the Happy Home People."

I all but fell over laughing because that is a line from an Express Flooring commercial that's always on TV.

Leave it to my kid to use an advertising tag line to make me smile.